You Don't Mess Around with yEnc
(You Don't Mess Around with Jim)

The main group’s got its flooders
Some rogue groups’ posters are dumb.
The .nospam group, it’s got experienced posters.
They’re some cool postin’ son-of-a-guns.
Well they post a ton, and they post vinyl some,
And I hope that they don't get TOSed
And when the downloaders all get together at night
They say .nospam cats are boss,
And everybody says, Boss.

You don’t post .ogg here or .ape.
You don’t upload any Xing.
You don’t pull any stunts that show you’re a newbie,
And you don’t mess around with yEnc.

Well, outta .shn groups come a metal postin’ boy,
Says, "I’m lookin’ for some critical dude."
I RARed and PARed myself a track,
And then I yEnced that sucker back,
And some bastard called me rude.
Told me to quit postin’ .shn in the discussion group,
He said retention really sucks.
Well, I told him to ignore it.
He should delete it or avoid it,
And he had the balls to call me nuts.
And everybody say, Boss.

You don’t post .ogg here or .ape.
You don’t upload any Xing.
You don’t pull any stunts that show you’re a newbie,
And you don’t mess around with yEnc.

Well, a hush fell over the newsgroup
Went quiet a couple of beats.
And when the flamin’ was done the only part that wasn’t crispy
Was in disgrace and total defeat.
And he was spanked in ‘bout a hundred places,
And he was plonked in a hundred more.
And you better believe he had a different kind of attitude
Didn’t do it any more. And now they say, Jack.

You don’t post .ogg here or .ape.
You don’t upload stuff that stinks.
You don’t pull any stunts and go trashin’ the newsgroups,
And you don’t mess around with yEnc.

[spoken] Yeah, that .shn boy found out it ain't cool
Postin' with somethin' that ain't been tested,
Even if Juergen says that's what you should do, fool.

You don’t post .ogg here or .ape.
You don’t upload stuff that stinks.
You don’t pull any stunts and go trashin’ the newsgroups,
And you don’t mess around with yEnc.

======================================

My Rio Has No Memory.
(Photographs & Memories)

My Rio Has No Memory.
I cannot play my MP3s.
All that I have are these at 192.
More memory would be so right.
I need about a gigabyte.
The file size has sure increased.
What’s a poor boy to do?

But files sure had a good size
When we started way back when.
Thirty-two megs sure ain’t much
High bitrates are a sin.

======================================

Spammer’s MP3
(Roller Derby Queen)

Well, I’m gonna tell you all a story you won’t believe,
But I fell in love last Sunday evenin’
With a link that I found there on my computer screen.

Well, I was just getting’ ready to shut it down,
When it caught my eye, and I clicked around,
And I followed that link to a place on MP3.com

The night that I fell in love with a spammer’s MP3
Spammin’ ‘round, ah, spammin’ round.
The biggest buncha newgroups that anybody’s ever seen.
BI of a hundred.

Just took two ticks, came down real clean.
A nice piece of music, and it sounds real mean.
I never thought a spammer could record it and produce it right.

When I read what the spammer’s web page said
I grabbed it and compared to what the spammer said.
And it was really kinda catchy and the vocals were especially tight.

The night that I fell in love with a spammer’s MP3
Spammin’ ‘round, ah, spammin’ round.
The biggest buncha newgroups that anybody’s ever seen.
BI of a hundred.

======================================

Agitator
(Operator)

Agitator, well you have really got some gall.
We’ve got your number and your act is old and dated.
‘Cause what you’ve got to say, we’ve been hearing every day.
Your arguments are known and at all times hated.

Well, isn’t that the way stuff really goes?
It becomes old hat. So give us a break now if you don’t mind it.
Stop acting small. Try usin’ your mind, and you know.
We’ll overcome, you know. Can’t help it if you’re slow. 
You never see your words only convince yourself.
What you want isn’t real. So what is the friggin’ deal?

======================================

Don’t be Mad, Bad, Hang Around
(Bad, Bad Leroy Brown)

Well, on the southwest side of Usenet
It is lookin’ rather grim.
And if you go down there, just take some music to share
In a group called absm.
Well, they keep the servers groanin’
And overloaded, yes they do.
And all you music lovers shouldn’t listen to the flooders.
They will fill your head with poo.

Don’t be mad, bad, stick around.
Things’ll be better if you just slow down.
Be better than those ding-dongs.
Cooler if you get along.

Don’t be mad, bad, hang around.
Lurk and learn, and you’ll get down.
Better then to not be wrong.
Better if you get along.
Better then to not be wrong.
Better if you get along.

======================================

Had to Say I Hate You in a Song
(Had to Say I Love You in a Song)

Well, I know it’s kind of late.
I know I did berate ya.
But what I gotta say can’t wait.
Your too dumb to understand.
Every time I try to tell you,
You seem to get it wrong,
So I’ll have to say I hate you in a song.

======================================

Two Dorks Former @Homers
(New York's Not My Home)

Parts were spinning ‘round me
Thought I’d grab MP3s
Could hardly find any tunes there that were complete.
Some thoughts about the floods were mentioned.
Somebody was complaining ‘bout the crap retention.
We’re pullin’ out our hair and losin’ our minds.
It’s been so long since Usenet’s been fine.

Two Road Runner folks gotta get outta here.
They’re actin’ like bo-neheads
They’re the reason that the newsgroups are hosed, along with
Two dorks,. former @Homers.

======================================

IQ of 10
(Box #10)

Well, usin' Usenet near Detroit,
A cable modem postin’ boy.
Gonna make a buncha friends there
Postin’ music for his buddy-o’s.

Well, he hadn’t been there an hour
When he felt that cable power.
So he kicked it into overdrive
And flooded out that group so well.

Well, it’s easy for you to see
That that cable boy is me
Sayin’ how am I gonna ever 
Gonna pay back for what I’ve got?

Well, I have really been a great success,
But the newsgroup looks a mess,
And in the process somethin' else got messed up too.

Well, hello Mama and Dad
Our account’s gone dead.
And I can’t do a ping or a trace.
I’m afraid that the light’s not blinking.
And I’m afraid to show my face.
And I only thought it was funny
Wish I had to do it over again
They’re screamin’ and yellin’ and sayin’
I’ve got an IQ of 10.

======================================

Where is My Name?
(I've Got a Name)

Got a question, I have been wondering why.
Where is My Name? Where is My Name? 
Where did he go? He never said good-bye.
Where is My Name? Where is My Name?
Wonder if he nymshifted like Willard did?
And still hangs around. Do you have a MID?

Or did he move down the highway?
The info superhighway?
Logged off the Net? Lives life, and just passed us by?
Did he move down the highway?
The info superhighway?
Logged off the Net? We just can’t ask him why.

======================================
Production notes
======================================

Recorded with CEP using various MIDI files found all
over the Internet over the course of several years.
Guitars and vocals by C. H. C.

The old voice just keeps getting worse. Sigh.

Tama 6-string guitar
Takamine 12-string guitar
Shadow Humbucker pickup
Shure SM-57 and SM-58 mikes
750 MHz Duron.
Source files (including outtakes) 2.06 GB

======================================
1- You Don't Mess Around with yEnc
The absm.nospam group is kind of a private playground for 
absm.d regulars, and it's about time yEnc got parodied.

2- My Rio Has No Memory
Bitrates are out of control. God forbid you find a 128 
anywhere anymore.

3- Spammer’s MP3
Dedicated to all the wannabe artists who carpet bomb the
newsgroups trying to get people to listen to their stuff
(usually on MP3.com).

4- Agitator
Another troll song. There will some day be as many troll 
songs as there are trolls if I'm not careful.<G>

5- Don’t be mad, bad, hang around
Kind of a netiquette song.

6- Had to Say I Hate You in a Song
Another troll song. As I was saying...

7- Two Dorks, Former @Homers
This parody was actually written quite a long time ago,
before the demise of the @Home network. So what used to be
"Two dorks from @Home" became "Two dorks, former @Homers".
After completing the entire parody (and not having any more
time to really spend for any major re-recording) it occurred
to me that the line "Two Road Runner folks gotta get outta here.
They’re actin’ like bo-neheads." would have rhymed a little
better if it was "They’re actin’ like gomers.". Too late to 
change it now. Maybe in the next lifetime.

8- IQ of 10
There are almost as many flooder parodies as there are troll
parodies. But that's fair. There are lots more flooders than
trolls around here. Wait till I find a word that rhymes with
Holland. That will be some parody!!

9- Where is My Name?
This parody is dedicated to those who are among us and then just 
vanish. My Name was a regular some time back. If he ever announced
his departure, I missed it. I did hear recently that he still does
Usenet, but not the binaries.